With Halloween being this week, it only seemed right to roast some sort of spooky movie. Obviously there are about a million choices for this, and most of them are easy roasting fodder. The characters always do really dumb stuff, there are a ton of B grade movies etc etc. I wanted some current, something with a Halloween villain and easily roastable. Enter Nic Cage and Season of the Witch!
We open with three women being hung for witchcraft. After their bodies are tossed into the sea, a do-gooder priest retrieves their bodies in order to cleanse their souls. Two of them this works on (tough break for them). One actually was a witch and ices the priest. 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.
Nic Cage is a Crusader with….Ron Perlman?! What is Hellboy doing here? They have a contest to see who kills more people. Somewhere Legolas and Gimli are readying a lawsuit. The two of them get squeamish because some innocent people die in a war? What about the innocent people that paid to see Hellboy 2 and Ghostrider?
Naturally they get arrested for deserting the army, and get brought before guys who look like Super Mario 2 Villians. They need Cage to bring a witch who they believe is causing the Black Plague to a death camp. Failure to comply is punishable by death. But Nic will comply, just like he took this script so the IRS didn’t seize all his assets. They are given a couple men, and away they go.
Some random dude follows them, wanting to go on a quest and be knighted. He holds his own against Clay Morrow in a duel, so he’s allowed to come along despite that fact that his name is Kay and he has eyebrows like Peter Gallager.
It’s about 35 minutes in, so it’s time to start playing the “Is this chick a witch or isn’t she a witch?” game. Don’t worry though, Memphis Raines assures the girl will get a fair trial. An easy promise to keep, since during the Crusades a fair trial for a witch was about as common as a good review for Drive Angry.
Naturally the girl escapes from her cage and fleas, leading to a much less awesome chase scene than this one. Now optical illusions are getting played on the gang, and since this movie is called Season of the Witch, I’ll just go out on a limb and say this girl is guilty of witchcraft. I can’t pity her because frankly, she’s not that cute.
This movie is so bad I just spaced out, but I’m pretty sure the witch just offered to blow Nic Cage while she was in the cage. The last time somebody put a body part in that cage, she stabbed it, so Nic wisely takes a rain check.
Journey movie cliché time! The gang comes across a rickety bridge that they have to get across. This scene has only been done about a million times in movies. I’m spending the next five minutes making popcorn.
I’m back just in time to see the party attacked by a pack of wolves! Unfortunately, Taylor Lautner was not among the wolves slaughtered. Oh well.
They arrive at whatever holy city they were travelling to, and the whole place appears to have been wiped out by the plague. They do find a magic book just lying around that has incantations to detect and ward off evil. So they have that going for them.
They find out she is actually possessed by a demon by throwing holy water on her, amongst other things. Just a piece of advice…next time you are transporting a potential witch, throw some holy water on her first and save me an having to watch your shitty movie.
The demon apparently wants this book of incantations, and sets an army of dead monks to attack Nic Cage and destroy the last remaining copy of how to kill a demon. The demon does ice Hellboy though. Irony! Kay finishes reading the incantation, the demon blows up and the girl it was possessing lives. Apparently Nic Cage dies of wounds from the battle, but it’s not totally clear. Hey, who needs a death scene for your main character!
The end. Seriously, it just ends like that, out of nowhere. The only question I have after that cinematic disaster? Did the IRS take all of Nic Cage’s salary for this atrocity, or did he get to keep a few bucks to buy more dinosaur skulls?
Random Side Note. Why is Nic Cage doing a Witch movie when he’s a vampire?